So I never have bought my girls Easter dresses or Christmas dresses and I don't know if its because I now have a boy that I am craving the whole dress shopping experience with my girls but I have been feeling sad that they might be my last and little twirly girl dresses won't last forever and so I decided that this was the year I would take them. I should mention that I never have bought them dresses in the past is because Grandmas have always beat me to it and they also get so many hand me downs that I feel like most the time we are on clothes overload. Well it wasn't the experience I had hoped for. I lost on all of the dresses I wanted to get but they came home with what they wanted whether they looked like the magical Christmas dresses or not (which none of them did). I feel like I need to redeem myself for Easter.
Another one of my favorite traditions: Eating Dion's Pizza by candlelight one Christmas Eve.
Here is Justin with a pantyhose on his head. I ALMOST peed my pants dying laughing at the sight of him! I could not stop laughing, especially when he tried to play ping pong (his eyelids are smushed he can barely see). Ian thought it was funny to pelt him with the ping pong ball on his head and I don't think I have ever laughed so hard. We told lots of embarrassing stories and played card games and had a great time at home and I can't wait to do it all over again.
This year has been great and so much has happened and we have all grown in so many ways. The last few months have been pretty difficult for me I will be honest. I feel like lately I have become pretty negative, always having something negative to say. I feel like I am becoming very bitter due to Kasens heart monitor and all of the doctors telling me how I should mother my child and having him "tied" down. Some other factors have played a part in me being not as happy and vibrant to be around and I don't like what I am seeing or feeling. I really struggle with the fact that after one month of having the heart monitor on I now have to keep it on my baby for another 2 months. It feels like a huge sentence and to be honest I don't see the point in it and I don't think it is accurate and I don't like it or feel like it is doing any good. I think Kasen is fine and healthy and its just making my life hard. I already feel like I got jipped out of some of the best moments of Kasens life as a newborn and I feel like it got taken from me and I won't get those back as he gets bigger everyday. I feel like the monitor just adds to it all and keeps me from fully experiencing my baby the way I should be able to. I have cried and been angry and upset and jealous of others who whisk their babies here and there. I am VERY thankful that Kasen is fine and healthy and that for as early as he was that there wasn't something really wrong. I have been blessed and I know that. And I know that as a mother I need to protect him at all costs. So after TJ and I deciding to take the monitor off and signing a waiver stating we were going against medical advice, we prayed to feel that was the right decision. TJ feels we are being selfish and wanting to take it off for the inconvience it is to us and that we have forgotten to do what is best for Kasen. I really struggle with that and I think I am having a hard time getting an answere because I am only looking for the answere I want. The bitterness in my heart does not help. We will keep the monitor on and endure our trial. The thing that is helping me this is knowing that kasen is Heavenly Father's son and He has sent him to for me to watch and look after. And it is my responsibility to give him the care he needs. And even if I don't like it or agree or see the need I will try to be positive and take care of him the best I can. This is a trail I have and I am already learning from it as I am going through it. I have so much to learn and I hope I can let myself and not let my pride and bitterness get in the way.
Here is to a new year and a happier, more positive me and a soon to be cord less baby!
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