Halloween

The longer I live in Utah the more and more I like Halloween. And I think it's because people celebrate it like they do Christmas here. And I have always liked dressing up. Growing up my best friend Monica Sanchez and I would dress up pretty much everyday. Even when we were in highschool. We trick or treated until we were at least 16. Some people might think that that was too old but really it was either that, hanging out with my best friend having fun and making memories, or going to some party and drinking with all the rest of the High schoolers (and just FYI I have never drank in my life). We were the good kids, staying out of trouble and having fun. We always dressed up and never took pillowcases for our candy. We were never those hoodlum teenagers out for candy causing trouble. I find it sad that there are so many moms that cut their kids off once they turn 12. They are still kids and I would rather have them going door to door than getting drunk. 

Anyways, today was fun. I got to help out in Tallie's class and do a craft with them for their halloween party. I made homemade slime and put it in babyfood jars and had the kids paper mache the jars as ghosts or pumpkins. When I walked into Tallie's class and she saw me I think she was super embarrassed. She didn't know I was going to be Lalaloopsy and she wouldn't look at me or even say hello. When I popped my head into Chloe's class she was so excited and was all "That's my Mom!". Her and Tallie are so opposite.

The kids had a parade at school for the parents and it was so cute to see them strut their stuff. Once TJ got home from work he took the kids to Sonic because they were having 50 cent corn dogs. Then it was time to Trick or Treat. Tj made fun of me because I had bought the Cheezits and Pretzel bags to hand out at our house. He thought I was so lame but who doesn't like a little salt with all their sweet? Plus if I had any leftovers it's nice to throw those things into lunches. Well I had some bigger boys and lots of kids so excited to get that stuff, asking if they could take more than one. Guess TJ was wrong on that one. Anyways I bought 80 bags and totally ran out! I had to turn the lights off. There are just way too many kids in our neighborhood. Tj was telling me I should have bought more. I said no way, I didn't need to supply the WHOLE neighborhood with food.

 This was Kasen's last minute costume. Mike Wazowski from Monster's Inc. I thought it would keep him warm and happy. Turns out I just left him at home with TJ to go to bed.

Tallie was a black cat, Chloe a Spanish dancer, and Lexi a fairy.

Kasen turns ONE!

It's so hard to look at my baby boy and have it register that he is one year old. 

He just seems so small to me still.

I feel like he has been in our lives forever. This past year has been so awesome and Kasen is such a sweet addition to our family.

He is such a happy boy and always smiling. He has these bright blue eyes framed with these crazy eyelashes. He just learned how to wave and clap and my favorite of all is now he follows me around the house saying "mama". He has started to get a little sad and fussy when he sees me walk out the door and will always reach his arms out to me for me to hold him. When he was an infant he was a stiff baby and would never snuggle or lay his head on my shoulder and rocking him to sleep was a rare occurrence. I am happy to say now that he is a snuggler and loves to crawl up on me and nussel his head into my lap. He is very content and pretty much does his own thing and keeps happy. He loves his bath time and sure gives me a workout when that time comes. Once he hears the water running he comes a crawling and can just about climb into the bath himself. He loves to lay and kick and slash and throw all the toys out of the tub and stand and roll and climb and slide down the sloped part of the tub. None of these things are things that are safe or things I just sit back and watch. I'm constantly sitting him back down and trying my best just to wash him. Really I should wear poncho when bathe him because I come out soaked as well. He loves walking around the furniture and walking with his walker but I think it will be a couple months still before we see any walking. He is super busy and always getting into something. The other day I found him in the laundry room and he had gotten Lexi's huge can of Mike and Ikes (that she left out) and dumped them everywhere. His back was to me and when I called his name he turns around with this sneaky smile on his face with a mouth full of candy and and two handfuls. There was chewed up and sticky candy everywhere. And he was sad when I took it all away. He was in heaven. 

I love this little boy so much and he has blessed our lives tremendously and I am so glad I get to be his mother. 

He is the only one of my children that actually ate their cake and didn't just sit there and cry. He gave me some good pictures. And when I turned around to see my girls they had cake all over their face. It was so funny but also so messy.

Pumpkin carving

Lexi is not a huge fan of carving pumpkins. 

If you look closely at the picture of her you can see one tiny seed that has fallen onto her hand. 

She was not okay with that one tiny seed being there.

She wouldn't even remove the seed with her other hand, I had to do it.

She spent the rest of the time happily reading her books while the rest of us got our hands dirty.

 Chloe also broke down in tears because the face she drew on her pumpkin with permanent marker didn't turn out just like she wanted.

Tallie assured her that a Magic Eraser could solve all problems.

It did.

Halloween Half

I have been looking forward to this race pretty much all year. And I love it for a few reasons:

1. It was the first race I ran that got my fire lit for running

2. Since I had been training all year for my marathon and because this race is so downhill I knew I could kill my previous time.

3. It is the last race of the season and so to miss it is to make the winter longer

And plus I really wanted to run it this year because last Halloween I was in the hospital just having had Kasen. I was lying in a bed on a respirator, not even breathing on my own. And so one year later my body is back and I am back to running. I just think it is so amazing how the body works. How it can heal and repair itself and become even stronger. I experienced many miracles and saw the Saviors hand in my life when I had Kasen. So to me this was more than just a race.

Having said all that...

This was not my best race. I really thought I could get a time of 1:45 but I guess I took too much time off between the marathon and this race and I lost some speed. It didn't help that my foot hurt almost the whole time too. Running is a mind game and I just couldn't get my mind into it. It also didn't help knowing that TJ would not be at the finish line either.

The race was pretty disorganized as well. They changed the start location (no more downhill), and instead of fire pits or a nice warm tent to hang out in until the race started we stood out in 25 degree weather for an hour. My feet were completely numb. They also changed the bus loading time at the last min. We got to the mall in the morning at 5:45 and waited for the buses until 7:30. After the race we sat around for 2 hours waiting for our bags that we checked before the race to show up. Inside it were my car keys and phone.

I'm not sure if I will run this race next year. I have done it 3 times and each year I get the exact same shirt (identical) and the exact same medal. I would think with how expensive this race is they could at least get a new shirt design.

Oh well enough complaining. It was still fun to run and running down the canyon in the fall with the leaves everywhere was beautiful and it was awesome to run it with my sister too.

Leaves!

The trees in the backyard have gotten pretty big over the last couple years and so its so fun now that they are dropping a good amount of leaves in the fall.

Lexi was in her own world, singing and dancing, I just sat there with my camera and snapped away. I think I took a hundred pics of just her. It was hard to choose which ones to put on the blog because each one just shows me her personality. For the most part I don't think she even knew I was there taking pictures.

I won't be tiny forever...

Tonight as I am getting Lexi out of the bath, I wrap her up and put her on my lap and give her a kiss on her forehead.

She looks up at me with her big eyes and says "I'm not gonna be this tiny forever". 

I say I know and it makes me sad because she just keeps growing. But she comforts me and says "But I'm gonna be little when I grow up so that you will always be happy. And I will stop eating all those yucky things that make me grow big so you will be happy".

I just love her little mind.

It's been a long weekend without TJ and I am tired and exhausted and I am so ready for him to be home. But it's conversations like that with Lexi that seem to make all the stress and chaos subside and I realize how lucky I am to be a mother to these little kids. They won't be tiny forever and even though it is hard I love having these BIG little families.

Kasen's new round head!

So finally after 3 months this little dude got his helmet OFF! He now has a normal round head and boy is he handsome! It took us some time to get used to his little head without his gear. Tj and I kept saying we felt like we got a whole new kid. We were so used to his helmet look that he almost looked strange to us with out it on. It has been SO NICE to kiss his head and snuggle his cheeks! It has been some what of an adjustment for Kasen as well. The first night he just didn't sleep well and woke up all night long crying. I think it was hard to have that "security" gone. He has been scratching his head like crazy and pulling on his hair. And he is starting to learn pretty quick that falling and bumping his head really hurts without his protection. I am so happy to have this little man in my life. I have learned so much from him, especially during the time he had to wear his helmet. The first day he got it on he still continued to smile and he looked as if he thought having a helmet was the best thing in the world. Besides the first actual night of sleeping with it on he has never fussed or cried or ceased to smile. He was still happy, loving life and laughing and giggling.  It was definitly harder for me to adjust. I was pretty bitter at the beginning. But Kasen has taught me to smile no matter what circumstances you may be in. 

TJ's Quote

A SURE SIGN OF

A MAN'S STRENGTH

IS HOW GENTLY

HE LOVES HIS WIFE

Sometimes you come across a quote or even a Hallmark card that says exactly to the T how you feel and you could not have said it better. This is one of those quotes and as soon as I read it I had goosebumps. 

If I had to describe Tj with just one saying...this would be it.

He is amazing and loves me in every way that a person could be loved. 

And I feel it everyday because he never ceases to show me.

I am lucky!

School Fun Run and and Carnival

This year for the school's fundraiser they put together a 3K fun run and carnival.

I signed up the whole family for the run and we each got a T shirt. And I actually like the shirt and could really use one. 

We all slept in this morning and no one was up before 8 and it started at 8:30. Tj comes home from camping around 8:15 and then we all head over to the school. We put Kasen and Lexi in the stroller and bundled them up because it was so freezing out. I was so surprised and proud of the girls. They ran a whole lot of the way with very little walking! 2 miles is a lot for little legs. They were loving it and had so much fun. Even TJ was having fun running with the kids in the stroller. We got some hot chocolate and donuts and the kids got balloon animals and their hair spray painted at the carnival. 

Later I ran 8 miles to see how my foot would do since it has been hurting lately. It did start to hurt around mile 7 but I think I might stay off it this week and take my chances and run the Halloween Half with Tessa this upcoming weekend. I just think if I don't run it I will regret it and it sure will be a LONG winter with not a whole lot of running going on and no races.

Tj and I went out on a last minute date tonight. I have been DYING for one. I feel like we have been so busy or TJ has been camping or on a work trip for so long. He leaves again next weekend so I was so happy to sqeeze one in. We got a random check in the mail we didn't expect and so we treated ourselves to Texas Roadhouse and ice cream at Farr's. We then hit up Costco to pick up a birthday present for the little man (I know we are so exciting).

Last night I went to bed thinking, after watching one of my favorite movies "Marley and Me", that I needed to be more patient and kind to my kids. I wanted to speak more softly towards them and watch the tone of my voice.

This morning I hit a "low moment mom moment" and totally failed as a mother.

I guess after you say you want to work on something you better prepared to be tested on it.

I was not ready.

For starters I didn't wake up and run (I always feel crappy when I don't), second we were having family pictures after school and since I wouldn't have enough time after school to do the kids hair I was rushing them this morning to wash it and round brush it...which they all hate. While the blow dryer was on Tallie comes to say that Lexi was now awake and crying in her closet. I go in and she thought that since the bathroom door was closed (for Kasen) she couldn't go to the bathroom. And she couldn't wait and lost it in her closet and I don't even have any carpet cleaner. So now I'm really stressing and rushing to get Lexi cleaned up and the girls ready and Kasen fed who was grumpy all morning. Since it is so cold outside I am planning on driving the kids to school but the neighbor kids were outside ready to ride their bikes to Tallie took off with them. Chloe wanted to ride too but it was just too cold to take the younger kids in the stroller (I did yesterday and Kasen just cried the whole way freezing). So I told Chloe I would drive next to her on her bike and drop her off at the back of the school by the gate. Only when we get there Tallie had already gone into school and Chloe starts to cry because Tallie usually walks her to class. Now I don't have any shoes on, no bra and Lexi has no shoes and Kasen is crying in his carseat. I see Elizabeth Smith and ask her to send Tallie back since Chloe won't walk in alone and I can't. Elizabeth sends Kadence in to tell Tallie. Tallie completely ignores Kadence and won't come. I see Candace Jackman and she offers to stay by my car so I don't have to unload the shoeless kids. Then I, in my bare feet and no bra run Chloe into the school. I literally wanted to cry because I was sure my feet were going to fall off! I didn't know if I could make it to the school. Once inside I look good because I am now walking around the school barefoot (which is happening way too often these days). I take Chloe to class and then pop my head into Tallie's class. I am so ticked that I start just going off on her. I wasn't yelling but her friends and people around could hear me I'm sure. That was always one of my biggest pet peeves and I told myself before kids that I would never yell or chastise my kids in public or in front of their friends. It's embarrassing for them, makes me look stupid and it really is just degrading to them. Well here I was doing just that and I could see the pain and embarrassment in Tallie's face. I then ran back to my car just before the frostbite sets in and go home. I forgot to mention that Lexi was on one all morning before school and cried at everything and I yelled at her trying to get her to get dressed and got frustrated with Kasen who was right at my feet crying and in the way. I just really lost my mind this morning and it just makes me sick to my stomach thinking about how awful I was. Lexi just cried asking why I was being so mean to her as I sit there and yell at her. She just cried saying I was just being so mean to Kasen. When I got home from school I just went to my room and started to cry. And I cried for quite some time. I just felt like the worst mom. Here I was doing all of these things that I swore I would never do as a mom. I just don't understand why I do it? I love these kids more than ANYTHING in the world. They are so pure and innocent and fragile and here I am just breaking their little spirits, tearing them down. Why am I so hard and mean to the ones I love the most? The ones who I am their everything to. And It's so crazy that they are so forgiving and wanting a hug and a kiss the very second I stop yelling. They love me no matter what even when I am mean, even with all my flaws and mistakes I make. Because I am still learning to be a mother. I can't be perfect but I sure can be better.

They are still so small and have so much to learn and I am here to teach them. I can't expect them to be perfect or not fight or make mistakes or big messes. I need to love them during those times just like they love me during my bad times. 

Family pictures went ok. It was sunny but really cold and during dinner time. The kids were SO FREEZING and poor Kasen was just miserable. His face was so red from the cold, he was hungry and we barely got any smiles out of him. Which is rare.

I felt so bad. He was an ice cube.

Again, what kind of mother am I?

We only got a picture of Tallie on the tire swing because the other girls were scared and tired and cold and crying. 

The tire swing was the whole reason I wanted to go to that spot.

Lame

Hopefully we got some good pics.

But I won't be surprised if we don't.

What if??