This week has been a roller coaster of emotions. Great sadness and sorrow, loneliness and heartache, fear and panic, hope and love, terror and helplessness. I am tired, mentally and physically and emotionally and I am not even the one who is directly affected. There have been so many sleepless nights, praying and fasting, calling the police, driving around looking and juggling kids. My brain literally hurts and just when I think I have run out of tears, there are always more.
Throughout this who ordeal my faith has never wavered. I have never second guessed or questioned my testimony or the truth of the Gospel. I have seen miracles happen in the last few weeks and I know that weak things can become strong and that the Savior will never leave you alone in your darkest hour. My heart hurts for those who do not believe that the atonement can heal all things and that the Savior did not pay the price for your sins. I know that the church is true and that we all have a purpose here on earth. I pray for Ian and that a light finds him before he ends his time here on earth. Last night was crazy and running back and forth between Tessa's house to watch kids in the middle of the night, not knowing where Ian was and if he was ok. We all have been so worried sick, not knowing how the night would end. Darkness loves and clings to darkness and once your light has gone out, its out. Your knowledge and spirit has disappeared and you become spiritually dumb as if you never knew the truth. I have seen this and literally seen the chains of Satan wrap around and pull Ian down. It is so powerful you can feel it. It's not just a saying but it is real. Ian is literally living in hell on earth and his spirit is being tormented and it is heartbreaking to see. He is full of pain and sorrow and guilt that he feels there is no way out and that he has ruined every ones lives. The burden is so heavy and big that he just wants to end it.

I have seen the Lord's hand in Tessa's life and in her children's. I have seen her lifted and embraced by the spirit in the times she has needed it most. She is stronger than I have ever seen her and I know she is not walking alone. She is in a constant nightmare and I hate that this is her road right now.

Mommy/all 3 daughter date

Last Saturday we had planned on taking the kids to see the ice castle up in Midway but the weather was so rainy and cold we didn't.

Instead Tj got us girls tickets to The Lego Movie. He told us to eat lunch in the food court and take pics in the photo booth.

It was so sweet of him, I know he REALLY wanted to see it but he stayed home with Kasen while he slept.

I think he feels bad that I never saw Frozen, I was in the halls with Kasen.

It was such a cute clever movie and the kids loved it!

However we are banned from talking about it whenever Tj is around.

Everything is awesome...everything is cool when you work as a team...

Valentines day

I think this was our 5th annual Valentines Day tea party.

The girls get so excited (although this picture may say otherwise).

We had cousins Jade and Brightyn over and everyone dressed in their fancy clothes.

We had chocolate dipped bananas and pretzels, mini sandwiches, cheese and ham kabobs, cheese wrapped in pepperoni, heart butter cookies, sparkling cider and homemade motzerella sticks (so good!). I'm not sure how Kasen will feel about these tea parties when he gets older.

After the kids danced to frozen music and once Tj got home we had pizza and watched Turbo together. Tj and I went out on Thursday night to celebrate. He is sooo like my dad and always wants to avoid the crowds. Growing up we never took the boat out on any holidays or did any camping on those days. 

That is just like TJ.

We went to Goodwood and had some good steaks and then ran to Old Navy to get some plain shirts for the kids since TJ is making them DisneyLand shirts (more on that later). We then went and saw Endless Love which was really good!

I really need to hit up some garage sales this summer for some more "fancy ware". I never have enough. Plus I would love some like vintage table cloth or something to dress up the table.

Random happenings

Kasen loves his bath time and any time he hears the water running or the shower curtain slide or the word "bath" he goes running. The girls are always fighting over who gets to get in with him. They think its hilarious because all he wants to do it just lay down and splash. I'm pretty sure he would keep splashing until all the water was out of the tub.

Chloe was actually sitting on the side of the tub with her feet in and accidentally fell in.

 Both Tallie and Chloe are awesome at reading to Kasen. They take him and put him on their laps and read book after book. He loves it and when they are at school he drags the books over himself over to the bean bag and flips the pages himself.

All day long you can find Kasen on the coffee table. He loves to climb on everything. Which is all new to me since none of my girls were ever into climbing. I'm sure he will be the one to even attempt climbing out of his crib. The others I could have left in until they were 5.

Date with Tallie

There are times when I just KNOW I need some one on one time with Tallie.

She has been craving it and her actions show me.

So last Saturday I took her to Trafalga.

Our pass of all Passes are still good so it was free. We played a round of mini golf, watched a 3D movie, played air hockey and other games, took our picture in the photo booth, and ate Dippin' Dots. It was so fun to spend time with her having fun.

On the way to our date (she didn't know where we were going), I asked her what her favorite thing about going on dates was. Was it the places we went or the things we did...?

She said "It doesn't matter where we go or what we do, I just like being alone with just my mom or dad". 

Kids just want our attention and our quality time.

I love my sweet sweet Tallie.

Hope

My sister is amazing.

She is so ridiculously close to the Spirit.

I stand in awe of her.

 She teaches me daily about how to be a true disciple of Christ.

I love her

Our Savior can heal all things

I have never felt so helpless in all my life. I don't know what to say or what to do.

And really there is nothing I can do that would ease or take away this burden. 

This is a trial that she has to go through alone.

But she will never be alone. 

Thank good ness my sister has an amazing relationship with the Savior and He is her friend.

I have seen Him lift her and carry her and wrap His arms around her when she has needed it most.

And right now she needs it most.

Jesus Christ can heal ALL things and he can comfort you and you can find peace within His love.

The last few days have been awful and I can't stop crying.

My heart literally aches as I watch my sisters life crumble all around her.

I can not stop thinking about those sweet girls who are in the middle who will be forever changed.

I know she will come out of this and she will be stronger because of it.

It will take time.

I just worry about the spiraling into deep depression first and the road she will have to take.