blues

Today I am feeling pretty blue. Ok well really I guess I have been for awhile. I kinda feel like a totally different person in a totally different world than just a few months ago. I got a nice surprise visit from my friend Kristi Wilkins today. Without even knowing it we chatted at the door for almost 2 hours. She only came to drop off a birthday invitation for Lexi. And it totally hit me today JUST HOW MUCH I MISS HER! I had gotten a card from her in the mail a couple weeks ago telling me she missed me and how she was struggling and how much I meant to her. It was really sweet and it made me cry. I miss having someone to talk to everyday about whatever. I miss our kids running back and forth between houses and always having that go to person to watch my kids when I needed. I miss being that go to person for her too. Lexi is having a hard time and I am so sad for her because all of her friends have moved away pretty much. She cried to me for awhile tonight telling me she wished she had nice sisters who wanted to play with her. She cried how when I asked if she wanted a friend over she couldn't think of anyone to ask. I am sad for Chloe who claims Haeli is her best friend and yet they never play and won't go to school together next year. Chloe has always seemed to be in the middle of friends with no one really her age. Tallie also is missing her friend. She won't reach out to make new and if Elena can't play (she lives at cheer practice) she will mope around the house bored. Kasen even loved having Kinli around to play with. I miss having the automatic 4 best friends across the street who I wanted to hang out and talk with their mom. I also miss my friend Becky. Since she is now pregnant, with twins, nonetheless, I feel like I never see her. It was just months ago we were in Hawaii together. I miss seeing her every morning and talking and venting and running and going to sweaty chix. I miss her motivation to get me out of bed in the morning. I know she misses this all too and her life is completely changing. I get sad that it might never be the same again. So I miss my two most favorite people. I feel lonely and hate how things are changing. Don't get me wrong I am happy and excited for the changes in my friends lives. These are all great things.  Its just hard. I also feel like I'm in a spiritual hole. I am not progressing. I feel like TJ and I are kinda distant, like I miss him even when he is around.  I don't know what my problem is but I can't get myself to read my scriptures and praying is even hard. Sometimes I need someone to pull me up and lead me. Sometimes I wonder where our change is. Can we please get a new job, are there more babies for us? I feel like I am watching everyone else grow and progress and change and all we do is watch.