This week has been a roller coaster of emotions. Great sadness and sorrow, loneliness and heartache, fear and panic, hope and love, terror and helplessness. I am tired, mentally and physically and emotionally and I am not even the one who is directly affected. There have been so many sleepless nights, praying and fasting, calling the police, driving around looking and juggling kids. My brain literally hurts and just when I think I have run out of tears, there are always more.
Throughout this who ordeal my faith has never wavered. I have never second guessed or questioned my testimony or the truth of the Gospel. I have seen miracles happen in the last few weeks and I know that weak things can become strong and that the Savior will never leave you alone in your darkest hour. My heart hurts for those who do not believe that the atonement can heal all things and that the Savior did not pay the price for your sins. I know that the church is true and that we all have a purpose here on earth. I pray for Ian and that a light finds him before he ends his time here on earth. Last night was crazy and running back and forth between Tessa's house to watch kids in the middle of the night, not knowing where Ian was and if he was ok. We all have been so worried sick, not knowing how the night would end. Darkness loves and clings to darkness and once your light has gone out, its out. Your knowledge and spirit has disappeared and you become spiritually dumb as if you never knew the truth. I have seen this and literally seen the chains of Satan wrap around and pull Ian down. It is so powerful you can feel it. It's not just a saying but it is real. Ian is literally living in hell on earth and his spirit is being tormented and it is heartbreaking to see. He is full of pain and sorrow and guilt that he feels there is no way out and that he has ruined every ones lives. The burden is so heavy and big that he just wants to end it.

I have seen the Lord's hand in Tessa's life and in her children's. I have seen her lifted and embraced by the spirit in the times she has needed it most. She is stronger than I have ever seen her and I know she is not walking alone. She is in a constant nightmare and I hate that this is her road right now.