(The girls think it's COOL to wear their MOMS oldschool T-shirts as night gowns...and to think those shirts are small on me.)

I was once a laid back easy going person. And I think I still am in some ways but I definitely have become more of a stressed out person. And it really makes me sad because that is who I DO NOT want to be. I find myself nagging and nagging and ordering things done and yelling and threatening and speaking unkind words to my kids. And it's not just the words that are not nice but the tone in my voice most of the time. This past weekend was especially bad. I was in need of TJ to come and rescue the day. I was counting down the hours. When he did get home it was only to pack a bag and leave for St. George to see is Grandma Wilson who was slipping away. It was awful. The girls were sick and stuck inside and constant fighting and bickering and I was LOOSING my mind. I LOST it. I became a MONSTER MOM! I yelled and screamed about the smallest things, I told the girls to shut up multiple times (I promised myself I would NEVER say shut up to my kids). I was out of control and my poor sweet girls took it. and then they shot it right back at me and I watched them yell at each other, shouting that they hated each other. I heard the tone in their voices and I saw their anger and rage. I was teaching them to be MONSTER PEOPLE. That night after I basically threw them in bed I just fell to my knees and started to sob. I'm slowly becoming the mom that my kids don't deserve. I'm the kind of mom that I looked at growing up and was embarrassed for because she was yelling at her kids in the grocery store. The kind of mom who went crazy and would yell and scream over spilled milk at the dinner table (cause really how hard is that to clean up??) The kind of mom I SWORE I would NEVER become. What happened to me?? I have never felt so low as I did that night. I just cried to Heavenly Father for help. I can't do it alone. I need His help to be the mom I want to be. The mom my kids NEED me to be. I need to put off the natural man and try to become Christ like and love like He loves. Because my children are HIS children and I have no right to treat them any less. My eyes were opened and I know that for me to be a good mom I need to pray daily and read my scriptures daily. And sometimes when my kids put my anger to the test I can simple just walk away for a minute. Being a mother is HARD but I SOOOOO LOVE IT! The last two days have been so great and there has been no yelling and there is definitely a new spirit in my home. I know it will be a day by day process to keep the spirit in our home but it is so important. So important in a world of chaos and conflict to keep my home a safe haven where my family will want to be and where we can feel our Heavenly Fathers love. I love my girls, they are my life and right now I am their life. And I want to make it a good one with LOTS of great memories of love and laughter. I am a work in progress.